Woo in Winter: An Extremely Lazy Guide to Celebrating Valentine’s Day

As an expression of eternal love, there's nothing more timeless than giving the woman in your life a freshly caught fish. It could work. Maybe.
As an expression of eternal love, there’s nothing more timeless than giving the woman in your life a freshly caught fish. It could work. Maybe.

By Luke

Like most guys, I can’t get real excited about Valentine’s Day.

We’re stuck in that awkward period between the Super Bowl and March Madness.

Somehow we’re still trying to wrestle the checkbook back into some semblance of order after the Holidays.

And we’re about a million miles from Shark Week and other outposts of Destination Television.

Where’s the passion?

But believe me, guys, ignore this day and you place your immortal soul in peril.

Ever the romantic, Harold "Big Droopy" Vitale adorned each of his St. Valentine's Day Massacre victims with  a red rosebud in the mouth.
Ever the romantic, Harold “Big Droopy” Vitale adorned each of his St. Valentine’s Day Massacre victims with a red rosebud in the mouth.

In a previous post,  I outlined some  inexpensive ways that you could make the day special for your sweetie without spending a fortune.  Those ideas required some imagination and effort and apparently some of you felt it was too much trouble.

OK, I’m not here to judge the depth of your love.  Instead, I’m reminding you of a universal truth — Chocolate is Love.

There’s something that’s almost mystical about the bond between women and chocolate. They nibble on it when they’re happy. They gorge on it when they’re not.

Science has still not been able to measure the upper limits of women's chocolate eating.
Science has still not been able to measure the upper limits of women’s chocolate eating.

To understand how this works, check out “The Emperors of Chocolate,” Joel Glenn Brenner’s irresistible examination of the world chocolate trade. She goes into great detail about how the humble cacao bean is loaded with these weird molecular chains that  can seduce the brain into paroxysms of exstasy or induce a blissful state that’s as languid as a cat dozing in a patch of sunshine:

 

No matter what sweet things you've written to her, she'd rather plunge face-first into this.
No matter what sweet things you’ve written to her, she’d rather plunge face-first into this.

“So what’s fact and what’s fiction? Is chocolate addictive?Is it an aphrodisiac? Like many foods, chocolate contains numerous mood-altering chemicals, such as phenylanine, an amino acid that elevates mood and increases amiability, and magnesium, which helps the brain manufacture serotonin, a potent neurotransmitter linked to mood stability. Add some caffeine,
theobromine (increases alertness and concentration… and is also why chocolate is toxic to dogs), and many other “bliss-promoting” compounds, and, taste aside, you’ll know why chocolate always will win over carrots or watermelon.”

(As an aside, Brenner notes that managers of Mars Inc.’s Kal Kan pet food division are regularly expected to eat a portion of their product to ensure consistency.  No matter what kind of crappy day you’re having, you’ll probably never be called upon to eat a bowl of dog food. It’s hard to imagine a worse job. OK, the English monarchy’s Groom of the Stool had a worse job. But still.)

So spend a little money, buy your love some sweet chemical therapy and bask in the transcendent peace that comes from spending time in the company of a blissed-out woman.

Heck, even this guy probably has to come through with chocolate once in a while.
Heck, even this guy probably has to come through with chocolate once in a while.
But this stuff never fails.
But this stuff never fails.

8 thoughts on “Woo in Winter: An Extremely Lazy Guide to Celebrating Valentine’s Day

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